Please Tell Me a Joke

Climate discussions, especially with respect to data and climate models, would not sit high on most people’s entertainment-ranking scale. And for my new book (currently titled Climate Models Fail), what have I been writing about and preparing graphs to illustrate? Answer: How poorly climate models simulate surface temperatures, precipitation and sea ice area. I’ve been downloading data and climate model outputs, preparing graphs, writing about their differences, etc., pretty intensely for a few months. Additionally, there are a good number of peer-reviewed scientific studies that are very critical of climate models—about how poorly climate models simulate critical aspects of climate—and I’ve been “translating” their key points so that persons without technical backgrounds can understand what they’re saying.  Please understand that I enjoy plotting model-data comparisons, I enjoy writing about my findings, but…

Attached is the table of contents for Climate Models Fail in PDF form.  I’m finishing the last section and the closing should be relatively short.  Climate Models Fail should end up in the neighborhood of 60,000 words, and so far it contains more than 200 illustrations—primarily graphs and color-coded maps.

With my intensifying efforts to proofread and publish Climate Models Fail in Amazon Kindle and pdf formats before the IPCC publishes their Summary for Policymakers in 3 weeks, I’ll need something to take my mind away from the book occasionally.

So please tell me a funny story or a joke—on any subject except climate.  Please try to keep it more towards a general audience level, what you’d find on primetime TV.  If you don’t have a joke of your own, please feel free to link a YouTube Video of a funny movie clip or a portion of a show by your favorite comedian.  WordPress automatically embeds the video.  And please tell others so they can add to the mix.  The more the merrier, as they say.

My sanity thanks you.




About Bob Tisdale

Research interest: the long-term aftereffects of El Niño and La Nina events on global sea surface temperature and ocean heat content. Author of the ebook Who Turned on the Heat? and regular contributor at WattsUpWithThat.
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25 Responses to Please Tell Me a Joke

  1. John Trigge says:

    Two cows were observing a third cow being taken away by the farmer to be slaughtered.

    The first cow said “Poor old Bessie had to be put down because she has Mad Cow disease. I hope I don’t catch it”.

    The second cow replied “That doesn’t worry me. I’m a rabbit”

    Bob – from your index and estimate of 60,000 words you certainly need some alternate entertainment. Hope you haven’t heard this one – I still cannot give blood (in Oz) due to being in the UK in the early 80’s and they think I could turn into one of those rabbits.

  2. Bob Tisdale says:

    Thanks, John. Seems that you’re the only person in a joke-telling mood so far today.

  3. Janice Moore says:

    Heh, heh, LOL, John, that was funny (no, hadn’t heard it).

    Hi, Bob,

    Okay!! Glad to oblige:

    Discussing a politician, one man observed, “I don’t think they could put him in a mental institution. On the other hand, if he were already in, I don’t believe they’d let him out.”

    [True story]

    (from letter of C. S. Lewis to a reader, dated Nov. 29, 1950, Vol. III, Collected Letters)
    “I never read the papers, … I am grateful to [my brother] for one excerpt form yesterday’s paper — a delicious printer’s error in a description of a revivalist meeting in the Midlands: —

    At the conclusion of the exercises, a large CROW remained in the hall, singing Abide with Me.

    … .”

    I keep this one in mind for whenever anyone needs comfort re: typos — if the Daily Telegraph (or London Times?) could make one like that, no one need feel bad.

    If you would like a volunteer proof reader, I would be honored if you asked me.

    YOU’RE ALMOST THERE, BOB! You are going to make it.

    Take care,


  4. Janice Moore says:

    I Love Lucy — “Slowly I Turn — Martha”

    (listen to Desi howling in the background :))

  5. Janice Moore says:

    Abbot and Costello (“Who’s on First?”)

  6. Janice Moore says:

    “Planes, Trains, and Automobiles” (John Candy and Steve Martin)
    Going the wrong way…

  7. Janice Moore says:

    Baby Elephant Goes for Her First Swim

  8. Janice Moore says:

    Bill Cosby “Chocolate Cake”

    Bill Cosby “Noah”

  9. Streetcred says:


    As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.
    I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Control and asked him to come over.

    Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

    As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong?
    He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’

    I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,

    ‘An, ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’

    Eric grinned … ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

    ‘No,’ I replied.

    ‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’

    So I wrote down:

    xxxxxx (write it out)

    I used to like Eric, the little shit head.

  10. Bob Tisdale says:

    Thanks, Janice. I enjoyed those.

  11. Bob Tisdale says:

    Thanks Streetcred. I had one of those idiot errors this morning as a result of a change I made last night to my old desktop. I had been having problems with my old mouse and had a spare wireless one, so I plugged it in last night. Worked great. I shut down last night as normal.

    This morning I couldn’t get my desktop to boot. It kept locking up and advising me my keyboard wasn’t recognized. I spent about 10 minutes trying everything I could think of before I remembered the mouse. I dug through the trash, reconnected the old mouse, and the ID ten T computer booted just fine.

  12. Janice Moore says:

    My software engineer brother told me another such tech term: A “KBO” error. (KeyBoardOperator) I’ve done plenty of those. LOL, one time, I forgot all about being able to right-click, so, called my brother…. “How do you find out what causes that ‘Unknown zipblozz’ thing? …. Oh.) …. like the time in college I ran out of gas….. just assumed the last driver had filled the tank and never looked at the gas gauge, mile after mile after mile………….say, what’s wrong with the engine??!, (rrrrrrrrrmmmmmfffffffmmmp — silence). Oh.

  13. Bryan S says:

    Bob– as always, I eagerly check your blog for the latest analysis of global ocean and air temperatures. The graphs you compile are invaluable in taking the pulse of the planet and you analyze things in such a way that seems objective and without bias. I appreciate that. My question: Regarding the paper just posted by Anthony Watts at WUWT on ENSO and its impact on global temperature trends (the one Judy Curry called mind blowing)… the scientists seem to find a very good correlation between the frequency of ENSO warm and cold events and the warming and cooling of global temperature… but there is an anomalous change around 1995/96. You’ve mentioned this period many times in your analyses as being somewhat unique. Will you be shedding any more light on that? Do you have any insight into a cause behind that period’s loading of the Pacific warm pool with all that anomalous warmth (resulting in the super Niño of 1997/98)? And do you see any parallels between 2013 so far and 1996, namely the weakly cool east Pacific, cooling of the western Indian ocean in spring, and the warmth across the north extratropical Pacific… and the relative lack of ice melt in the Arctic (’96 saw a very weak melt with a relatively small winter max followed by a relatively large summer min)? I’m not sure of the significance of any of this, but you’ve spent so much time analyzing these events that you must have some insight into the cause or causes.

  14. Bob Tisdale says:

    Bryan S: I’ll have to examine de Freitas and McLean (2013) more closely. If they’re correct about a shift in 1995, it may reflect an impact of the North Atlantic:

  15. Pete Russell says:

    My 2 favourites:
    1) A vicar is getting ready at home just prior to giving the local women’s institute a speech on the subject of sex. Just as he is about to leave his wife asked him what he is going to speak about. Being a little shy he tells her the subject is off shore sailing.
    He goes on to give his speech which went down very well. A couple of days later the vicars wife is doing some shopping in the local village and is surprised by how many women congratulated her on the vicars speech.
    Eventually she bumps into the chairlady of the women’s institute and again she is extremely complimentary on her husbands speech. The vicars wife tells the chairlady. “I have to confess I’m surprised his speech went down so well because he has only done it twice, the first time he was sick and the second time his hat blew off.”

    2) As is typical with old codgers, Bob had lost his appetite for sex. His friends hire a stripper for the old man’s birthday. “Would you like to have super sex?” the woman asks in a sexy drawl. The old timer thinks a bit and says, “I’ll have the soup.”
    The “super sex” (“Soup or sex?”) joke has been told since at least 1993.

    Good luck with book Bob.

  16. Beth Cooper says:

    There’s a nice idiot error in this series of cartoons from the New Yorker, Bob.

  17. Bob says:

    Bob, I wish you’d go over to Lucia’s and straighten out SteveF.
    Story :
    My favorite salesman story of ALL time
    A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.

    The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota.”

    Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he’d give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

    “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

    His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

    “How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, “One”. The boss says “Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

    That will have to change, and soon, if you’d like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you’re not on the farm anymore, son.”
    The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), “So, how much was your one sale for?”

    The kid looks up at his boss and says “$101,237.65″.

    The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?”

    The kid says, “Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.”

    The boss said “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?”
    The kid said “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing………'”

    Joke: note – a little colorful

    A crusty old man walks into
    the local Catholic church and says to the secretary, “I would like to join this damn church.”

    The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, Sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”

    “Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!”

    “I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church.”

    The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the priest’s study
    to inform him of her situation.

    The priest agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

    They both return to her office and the priest asks the old geezer,

    “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”

    “There is no damn problem,” the man says. “I just won 20 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money.”

    “I see,” said the priest. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time?

  18. Bob Tisdale says:

    Thanks, Beth, for the cartoons, and thanks, Bob, for the jokes.

    Bob, I have a few days of writing left and I’m trying to avoid going back to Lucia’s. When I’m done, I’ll be happy to have a word or two with SteveF. He’s not credible anyway. He can’t tell the difference between sea surface temperature data and abstract forms of it.

  19. Laurie Cummings says:

    Hi Bob,

    Sorry, no jokes at the moment, but I promise to send you some.

    I await your book with great interest.

    You can see my particular focus at

    I am particularly interested in Section 3 and especially Chapter 3.2.

    Could you send me a draft or would you like me to proof read it for you?

    I fully understand if you don’t want to do that.

    Between 80% and 85% of evaporation takes place over the oceans and the satellite data is comprehensive and pretty fiddle proof.

    Evaporation over land is precipitation limited and there is an excess of precipitation over evaporation over land, so the trend for global precipitation should be the same as for oceanic evaporation.

    Why is there very little and often no validation or cross-checking of global precipitation trends versus oceanic evaporation trends and oceanic net evaporation (evaporation less oceanic precipitation) trends? The ocean sourced precipitation over land is of course recycled through the hydrological cycle over land.

    “Climate Models Fail” will be a landmark book. Keep at it.

    Kind regards


    Lawrence Cummings MBA, BE.

  20. Bob Tisdale says:

    Hi Laurie: For some of the chapters, I used the graphs from recent blog posts. The global precipitation discussion, Chapter 3.2, is based on a couple of posts. See the category here for an overall feel:


  21. Gras Albert says:

    A decade after graduating from UEA with a Climate Science degree a by now middle ranking civil servant returns to campus to visit with his tutor. Having Invited his former student to take a seat the tutor leaves the office briefly to prepare tea and biscuits.

    The civil servant notices a pile of exam papers on his tutor’s desk and, being unable to resist, takes a peek. To his astonishment he finds the questions in the paper are exactly the same as those he, himself, sat 10 years earlier!

    On his tutor’s return, the civil servant delicately raises the subject of the exam questions being identical to those of a decade before.

    The tutor responds with a mild rebuke, “I know the questions are the same, it doesn’t matter because all the answers have changed!”

  22. Bob Tisdale says:

    Thanks, Gras Albert. That was fitting.

  23. Alex Henney (London,England) says:

    Please can you tell me where your comments on part 3 of UKMO pause are-I am just completing a submission to the House of Commons Cttee on Science and Technology and am including some unkind thoughts about UKMO.Pls excuse my putting this request among the jokes-if you send me an e mail I will send you a stream of jokes

  24. Bob Tisdale says:

    Alex Henney (London,England), sorry to say that I haven’t gotten around to finishing that series of blog posts. Right now I’m trying to finish writing my next book and incorporate the changes suggested by the wonderful person editing it–all before the IPCC meets to settle on the Summary for Policymakers.

    Hopefully, I’ll get a chance to return to the UKMO reports in a month or so. But I suspect the IPCC’s Summary for Policymakers will stir things up for a little while.


  25. notwise says:

    Just at the moment when the dentist was leaning over towards his patient to start on her teeth, he was startled.
    “Excuse me, Miss, those are my testicles that you are holding.”
    “I know” she answered sweetly. “And we’re not going to hurt each other, are we?”

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